half asleep and floating on air.

I very rarely accept the mistakes of others with the level of grace that I'd like to show.

I hold mental grudges, despite the fact that I can't harbor any hard feelings. I remind myself time and time again of all the things that someone's done wrong and the level of distance that I should hold between us; between my heart and theirs and any sort of softness that could develop and somehow make me vulnerable to someone who makes mistakes. I always fail, and enjoy their company despite myself.

My peers who ask stupid questions or make jokes that I find to be on the "miss" side of the High School Comedy "hit or miss" spectrum, are hung within my mind. I watch them walk in to class the next day; next month, and I'm still thinking to myself how they took a false step that one day. I hold myself to a line of perfection and hate myself for every stupid question, every "miss", every wrong answer on tests that don't quite count.

I think that I hold others to them more.
I do better when I feel like I'm competing; like I'm proving someone wrong. I achieve at an easier rate when I know that I'm subtly shoving it down someone's throat that their assumptions were as left-fielded as their mouths were quick. I want them to know that they're human, that they're no better than anyone who's next to them.

So why can't I get over the fact that I make mistakes?
That my peers who ask stupid questions make mistakes?
That I'm human and therefore not exempt from all that such entails?


I don't live for the feeling of accomplishment,
I live for the feeling of striving to reach it.
And the fact that I finally found someone who makes mistakes that make me love him more. Whose wrong moves make me flutter on cloud 9, readily positioned above him to be the perfect "hit", because I hate the way we have to miss each other.