and you, you're skin and bones; turn in to something beautiful. did you know for you, i'd bleed myself dry?

My perception of your explosion.
When did you start going to bed before 3am? When did God mean enough to re-evaluate the way that you spoke and when did you believe in looking at the stars? When did you stop moving long enough to take a deep breath and when were you stressed based on responsibility and not just fucking up with me? I liked you better when you fucked up. I liked you better when nothing mattered. That's when you mattered. That's when I mattered. I liked you better when you fucked up.


The answer that I don't have the heart to say to your face.
Having nothing else to do doesn't mean you're fucking up. And nothing is wrong with wasting your day away in swimming pools or on the pavement of a nowheretogo road. God was in my life at the same time as you, you just blocked that part of me out. You wanted to think of ODU and bitches in third period and downtown restaurants and obnoxious phonecalls. You wanted to think of no sleep and zero nutrition and jumping on a trampoline to the beat of the raindrops falling on us. You wanted to think of twenty years down the road and how we'd still be in each other lives, but not how our lives would be different or how we'd see the world and the possibility that we'd see it differently. You wanted to think of my love for you and how I'd hold on to our bond, but not the possibility that I'd be the one to grow away and you'd have to put a little effort in to holding on to someone. You didn't want to think of losing anyone and it not being their fault. I hope when you're crying over how your best friends are treating you that you remember how it felt to dance in the rain after graduation, but I hope you never expect the same. Responsibility means fucking up. It means there's something to do and something to lose if it's done poorly. This is me fucking up, and you're no part of it. You have no emotional investment so it doesn't really matter. You liked me better when I spent my days attached to a brick wall, stuck in discontent and therefore the inability to be any lower. You liked me better when I was rock bottom.

I like me better when I'm fucking up. There's something to learn. You taught me nothing but what it's like to chew on tin foil with every new breath. You taught me nothing but walking away from friendships that don't bend to my mood. You taught me nothing but how to say I love you, but goodbye. You're not worth any of this.

You taught me nothing but walking away. walking away.