when the word that once meant "nothing," begins to mean "paradise," you can safely say the world's gone mad.

Nineteen hundred miles and two weeks and four cartons of cigarettes and forty five cups coffee and sixteen gas station trips had brought him back to the one roof that he'd never slept right under. He sat on the bed, what was their bed. He walked to the dresser, which still held the clothes that he hadn't been able to put in a suitcase. He looked at the picture frames that were now empty and the fridge that had always been empty and saw which lamps had been replaced and which windows were cracked and if the kid's rooms had changed. He sat the counter and waited for the crack of the door and the footsteps of a woman he'd never given a chance to. Ignoring the surprised look in her eyes, he stood and closed the space between them, touching her forearm to ensure that she was real before clearing his throat and speaking.

"I spent my whole life trying to get close to you, and once you let me in I realized that I'd only cared so much because it seemed unattainable. I knew nothing about you except that you liked watching birds and traffic and anything but me watching you. Once you finally looked my way, I realized that we had nothing in common and didn't really want to get close enough, but it seemed too late. We got wrapped up in expectations and you wouldn't just let me push you away. Anytime I ever wantd you to go right, I steered you left. I set you up for disappointment so I could set myself up for leaving and set us both up for ache. I thought if I set the kids up for college that the rest of those things I lined up so flawfully wouldn't quite matter, but I realize that they do. You don't have to respond to any of this, I just wanted to apologize."

Despite the way that he'd prepared himself, his heart cracked when she had nothing to say. Looking him up and down, she tilted her head to look away from him and stepped around him, walking to her kitchen. She set her sights on tile and wallpaper and anything but him, just as it had been and as it would be from now on. She didn't even need the first time, but she wouldn't let herself be fooled twice. He stepped out, closed the door, and headed to his car while he tried to figure out what exactly he'd actually expected from the trip.